Midweek musings

February 9, 2010 — Laksh

Sitting in the darkened room with a single lamp on the writing desk illuminating K’s furrowed brows as he tries to get work done, I am enjoying this moment. The babies are asleep in the other room, their rhythmic breathing punctuating the otherwise silent room save the whirring fan and quiet keyboard sounds.

It will be two full weeks of being away from home. The longest we have stayed in any hotel. Each morning as I take my ‘me’ time during breakfast I enjoy the ritual. I load my plate with standard fare and pick a corner table in the lobby overlooking a pool. I either eat in silence or catch up with Amma bringing her up to speed on the twins latest mischief.

I sometimes take this time to mull on how my life has changed in two weeks. The phone is on vibrate at most times. Two crying or sleeping babies do not make for an easy phone conversation. I have no idea what is happening at work. Each 1-2 hour trip we plan is an exercise in managerial skills, prioritising and optimizing time and materials.

Each car ride becomes a time for uninterrupted conversation for K and I as the babies sleep in the back seat. This all still feels surreal like I will wake up to a different reality than the one am in now.

The questions are many and once the euphoria dies down I am scared I will be overwhelmed. In the middle of all these whirling thoughts one thing is reassuring. I do feel this is one decision we will be grateful for the rest of our lives.

As we wait it out to get home, I realize I will treasure these two weeks for the undivided time as a new family. A time to look back on and relive countless times over.

Posted in Adoption, Home, Life, Musings, People, reflections. Tags: , , . 1 Comment »

One week of motherhood

February 6, 2010 — Laksh

It’s been a week since K and I took the girls into our family promising to cherish and love them all their life. It’s been one week of never ending good wishes and blessings pouring into our fledgling family from all over the world. One week of sleepless nights and interminable diaper changes. One week of midnight feeds and rocking colicky babies. One week of trading onesies for sleepsacks and living in that twilight zone between day and night unaware of anything beyond the four walls we are closeted behind.

We sit here waiting for paperwork to be complete so we can fly home. Home to the beginning of our new life together as a family. A place where friends and family can visit. K and I are both homesick. We are craving regular simple home cooked meals. We are longing for the comforts of more space and the familiarity of everything. It has been a great one week bonding with the babies and spending time with the new daddy.

The highlights from this week are:

Standing by the kitchen counter heating up water to mix formula only to find wee hands tugging at my pants and wanting to be picked up. My little Kay has learnt kitchen + momma = FOOD!! Waking up each morning to squeals coming from the living area of the suite we are in and tiptoeing only to see two little babies playing with each other like there is nothing different about being locked up in a suite with two unfamiliar people. Getting two babies diapered, changed and ready to go out feels like a marathon. One for which I have had no training. Food is the only thing on my mind all the time. When was she fed? Is it 3 hrs already? Perhaps she needs a snack. What if she is thirsty? And this is just the beginning. I forgive you Amma! Each day as the kids wake up from their nap, the smiles on their faces make me forget everything else. I could die for it. Every time Kay or Cee stumbles or falls, my heart leaps out of my body and I am ready to do anything in my power to prevent them hurting. With each passing day, I can see how different both girls are! Kay is clingy and a mamma’s girl while Cee is standoffish and will only go to daddy. Both of them can bring the roof down with their cries if they are hungry which seems to be too often.

I am learning that every cliché I have heard about motherhood is true!

Posted in Adoption, Motherhood, Twins. Tags: , , . 15 Comments »

To the man I love

February 6, 2010 — Laksh

I watch your eyes melt as you watch your daughter smile at you. Your face has this incredibly tender expression that I cannot explain. I watch the little one have you wrapped tightly around her little finger. I watch you wake up bleary eyed at 3:00 AM because you heard a cry from the next room. I watch you frustration creeping into your smile as the little one refuses to be consoled. I watch you so far removed from everything I have identified you by.

Fatherhood suits you K. It does! I see you effortlessly transition from the sound sleeper to the person who wakes up at the sound of wails emanating from the crib. I see you move from going without milk for a couple of days to save a trip to the grocers to someone who will run out thrice a day to make sure the kids have plenty. From a person who loathes clutter I hear you already speaking of buying two of everything. I see you worried about how we are going to manage two kids, jobs, school and running a home and I am impressed. This is from someone who hates planning even a week in advance. I watch you eyes glued to the kiddie channels and watching Chugginton and singing along like this is something you have done all your life and it thrills me. I see you update your Facebook account and I am amazed. This is someone who thinks social networking is humbug. I see you scan every incoming wish and read every comment on every photo I upload with only the eagerness of a new dad and my heart melts.

In the one week that we have become new parents, I am loving the changes I see. By no means are they easy or even something we envisioned but I am thrilled about the way we seem to be coping.

To the man whom I have grown to love over the years, this is what I want to say. I love you with each passing year and with each passing milestone in our life.

Happy Fatherhood K!!!

Posted in Adoption. Tags: , , , . 9 Comments »

Introducing my daughters

January 30, 2010 — Laksh

I take great pleasure in introducing my 10 month old twin girls. To protect their privacy I will be referring to them as Kay and Cee on this blog. The girls became part of our family this week. It has been a long road to them with many a heartbreak in between but the end result is precious and they are filling our lives with sunshine already.


I am operating on a precious few minutes when the girls are asleep so can’t express all that I feel. :) Much of the story in later posts. Here is the link to a FAQ to most commonly asked adoption questions. Feel free to email questions and I will add them to the FAQ. Stay tuned!

Posted in Adoption, Daughters. Tags: , , . 49 Comments »

Missing the safety net

January 26, 2010 — Laksh

Most of my life the adventures I signed up for had a safety net. The gamble was calculated and risk mostly know ahead of time and in my tolerance range. Occasionally there would be the occasion when my restless mind would feel an impulse to jump. I would peer into the depths knowing I will never make the leap.

Then there are times like now when the temptation to jump sans safety net is strong. The vicarious thrill of jumping not knowing the end is enticing. So, I stand teetering on the brink, debating, swaying with the wind and enjoying the exhilaration of the moment.

Posted in Feelings. Tags: . 3 Comments »

Life is whizzing past…

January 21, 2010 — Laksh

Ever get that feeling that you are caught on the median with vehicles flying past both ways wondering if the pace will ever let up leaving you with space to cross?

I’ve felt that way for a couple of days now. I feel like everything is flying past me and I have to catch up except I have no idea how much longer I will be waiting.

It does not help there is one more day to push myself through before the weekend. Sigh!

Posted in Blues, Rant, Vent. Tags: , , , . 2 Comments »

Q & A – Just for you Shalu

January 20, 2010 — Laksh

A few days back Shalu who blogs at Das Leben left a note for me saying she tagged me. It’s been a while since I did one so wanted to take this one up. Now, before I actually do this one, I have to share this. She occupies a special place in my life. My first ever friend in in-law land. First and very special. :)

Here you go!

1. What is your current obsession?
All things adoption

2. What are you wearing today?
Blue sweater, dark blue jean and a comfy shoe.

3. What’s for dinner?
Cheerios

4. What’s the last thing you bought?
Air tickets

5. What are you listening to right now?
Keyboard sounds

6. What do you think about the person who tagged you?
A breath of fresh air.

7. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Marudhamalai adivaram

8. What are your must-have pieces for summer?
Crocs

9. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
To visit my niece. Missing her terribly.

10. Which language do you want to learn?
Spanish

11. What’s your favourite quote?
When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up!

12. Who do you want to meet right now?
The future me

13. What is your favourite colour?
Red

14. Give us 3 styling tips that work for you.
A great smile, confidence and good attitude.

15. What is your dream job?
SAHM

16. What’s your favorite magazine?
None

17. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
Cleaning my home. :)

18. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
Again, Right question. Wrong person.

19. Who according to you is the most over-rated style icon?
Clueless. Really. I have no idea.

20. What kind of haircut do you prefer?
Anything that flatters my face. Right now, I heart a layered look.

21. What are you going to do after this?
Wonder if it is time for lunch yet.

22. What are your favourite movies?
Edhir Neechal, 12 Angry men. I like simple movies told realistically

23. What inspires you?
The fact that I have people who think of me as strong/brave. I owe it to them.

24. What do your friends call you most commonly?
Lakshmi/Laksh

25. Would you prefer coffee or tea?
Both actually. Coffee in the morning. Tea for the afternoon.

26. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
I write. I mope. I cry. I tell myself all will be well.

27. What makes you go wild?
Nothing.

28. Which other blogs do you love visiting?
A bunch of them written by people I know through my blog

29. Favorite Dessert/Sweet?
No favorites. I love most things sweet.

30. How many tabs are turned on in ur browser right now?
None

31. Favorite Season?
Spring and Fall.

32. If I come to your house now, what would u cook for me?
Right now? Probably ask you if we can go out to eat.

33. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Silence.

34. What are you afraid of the most?
Creepy crawlies

35. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Got to do something about my hair

36. What brings a smile on your face instantly?
A picture of my niece.

37. A word that you say a lot?
Aaamam

38. When was the last time you met your school friends?
Last month

39. What would you do if you were made President of India for one day?
Highly doubt that. If I did, would make it unlawful for people with criminal records to be in politics.

40. When was the last time you stuck to your New Year resolution?
No resolutions for me.

41. Your favourite novel and author
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery. This book came to me at a time when I needed it most. It is very special.

Posted in Meme, Personal, Tag. Tags: , , . 13 Comments »

Jinxes and such

January 19, 2010 — Laksh

Making a right turn, the sun streamed into the car startling me and prompting K into making a statement about perhaps winter being on its way out. My first impulse was to shush him and wonder why he would make such a statement. I wanted no one jinxing my secret happiness at the rather warm days we have had.

Of course that then triggered a barrage of thoughts on jinxes and such. Am not big on secrecy. I usually make it known if I have an interview or if there is something I am looking forward to. Perhaps it is my way of jinxing the jinx? In recent times, I have wondered if there is any truth to it. If perhaps by holding something close to my chest and not breathing a word of it till the deed was done would have actually ensured that it happened? I will never know.

I am curious though. What do you think? Is there merit to the fear of jinxes or are you thinking Bah! humbug!!

Posted in Life, Musings, reflections. Tags: , , . 12 Comments »

Pushing my boundaries

January 16, 2010 — Laksh

Cruising along the highway after what felt ages, I felt adrenaline course through me. Driving my Prius on its brand new wheels brought back memories of the 45 min drive to work from years back. Music playing, thoughts spinning through different pathways in my brain I enjoyed the ‘me’ time it offered. The clock showed 2 mins to my deadline. The time I had said I would be at the café where I was meeting this person I knew reasonably well or not at all depending on how I looked at it. I could hear the phone ringing from the depths of my bag. Torn between reaching out for it and my natural fear of driving and talking on the phone, I risked it. Calling her back I found she running a little late. Relieved, I slowed down and enjoyed the rest of the drive taking in the familiar wayside.

Reaching the café and parking, I found a spot outside and sat on the cold metal chair sunlight falling at an angle on me warming my insides. Clutching my bag, I watched as each person slowed down looking for a space to park. Fast forward three and half hours later and I exited the area looking carefully as I pulled out of the parking space. Navigating my way out of the now crowded strip mall I felt my shoulders relax once I hit the highway. Looking at the blinking empty fuel on the dashboard I took a detour to fill gas and took the longer way home.

I enjoyed my outing in many ways. My first time out by myself in a long while. First time out on a sunny winter day when I could actually dispense with the coat and enjoy the delicious chilliness. First time meeting a fellow blogger and feeling like I knew where she came from. Many aha moments. Good food and the joy of time well spent.

Often when I promise to meet a girlfriend for lunch or dinner, I do so with great enthusiasm but as the time to actually go nears, I wonder why I do that. My fear of leaving my comfort zone threatens to undo my promise. Every time without fail, I return from the outing feeling good about it. Finally it feels like I am becoming the person I was a decade back and I am loving it.

Posted in Happiness, Life, reflections. Tags: , , . 10 Comments »

Why perfection?

January 15, 2010 — Laksh

A silly exchange between me and K this morning had me thinking about my attitudes towards perfection. To take an analogy, when I cook, my first concern is taste followed by the effort and presentation ranks last. I am perhaps among the minority. In most things, I value effort. My eyes are set on a goal say an A grade or a rise up the ranks or dusting all the cabinets. I work diligently towards it often swayed by other interests. I sometimes reach the end. More often than not, I am found looking back midway to see how far I have come and being happy with my progress.

So, when I meet people who are so focused on the result that the path traversed is forgotten it takes an effort from me to understand where they come from. I have to consciously remember that it is an attitudinal difference not necessarily a personal failing.

Just saying…

Posted in Musings. Tags: . 1 Comment »

It’s all about love

January 14, 2010 — Laksh

Love you! I exclaimed brightly just as I hung up the phone after talking to my sister to wish her. I sensed a moment of hesitation, an eye roll and a smile as she replied Thank you and not love you back.

Sometimes I do it on purpose. Like to my mom, I say Love you and I love hearing her shy, reluctant love you back or to K when he is at work and he will not say anything back.

I can understand where they come from and why it feels alien. I found it unnatural at some point too and am not quite sure when it started feeling OK. Perhaps the influence of the culture of which am part of now? Perhaps a realization that life is short and there is no harm telling people you love that you love them? Or maybe the misconceptions surrounding the word love has been stripped off and I feel comfortable using it?

I still wonder why ‘love’ has such a bad name. :)

Happy Makara Sankranthi/Pongal to all of you!

Posted in Family, Feelings, Home, Life, Musings, People, Personal, reflections. Tags: , , , , , , , . 25 Comments »

When will I grow up?

January 13, 2010 — Laksh

Yesterday was the first day back in class. Well technically school started last week but the prof. was away on a conference and so we did the class online. So, walking into the now all too familiar classroom, I surprised myself by the variety of emotions I felt. There were some people I saw and my face broke out into a wide grin. Some whom I passed on my way saying a quick Happy New Year before moving on. Reaching the classroom which was fairly empty, I began the process of looking for a seat that would be mine for the next three months. I eyed my old seat longingly. It was convenient. I could slip back into my comfort zone and chat away with the same people I had chatted with last term or I could switch seats to a section of class where I usually feel intimidated and face my self-inflicted fears. Drawing a deep breath, I decided on facing my fears.

The next three hours flew past. The prof was fantastic. Fully of energy and a raw earthiness that endeared her to me. She began the class introducing herself and then asked us to go around the class saying something about ourselves that the rest of the class would not know. Now, in the past year and half we have done many such introductions and each time it happens, I love hearing what people care to share.

Even as I pay attention to what others are saying, there is a part of me willing me to come up with something that would stand out. I could say I am vegetarian or I could say I fear snakes or I could say… The thoughts come in waves and I am scrambling for the perfect thing to say. My turn comes and passes before I make up my mind. I stumble and say I speak three languages. The prof. being kind enough asks which three and moves on.

Of the ones that stood out, there was one person who said they had 60 plus first cousins. Now, that is the kind of thing I was looking for I thought. Or the one that said he loved peanut butter and green olives as a combo. I know I will remember him for the rest of my life because of what he said. There were some that were quaint, some quirky, some funny but almost all of them revealing a side to the person I did not know existed.

On my way home, I kept going back to the moment when my mind was flipping past my entire life searching for something that would elicit a “wow” response. Why do I still look to impress people around me? Am not sure if impress is the right word. In any case, I am not sure if I will ever know by but I do know I need to figure out one smart witty response in case I have to do this again.

Posted in Education, Inner Voice, Life, MBA, Musings, School. Tags: , , . 12 Comments »

Technical glitch

January 12, 2010 — Laksh

Been wanting to put this out here for a while now.

If you access Musings through a bookmark or a link on your blog roll or just are used to keying in http://lakshmusings.com/musings please change the link to point to http://lakshmusings.com

What happened was this. When I self-hosted the blog, I had the musings blog setup under a folder called musings. So, to access the blog the URL was http://lakshmusings.com/musings. I had recipes set up under a folder recipes and that blog could be accessed as http://lakshmusings.com/recipes

Now that I gave up the space I rented and moved back to being a wordpress.com blog, I retained the domain name lakshmusings however, the URL to the blog is either http://lakshmusings.com or http://lakshmusings.wordpress.com

Pointing to http://lakshmusings.com/musings now pulls up a post that I had written in August of last year titled Musings on Muses which explains the large number of hits on that post.

On a side note, the recipes blog is now http://lakshrecipes.wordpress.com if anybody cares. :)

I will leave this post as a sticky on the first page for a while till I see that most people have switched to pointing to the right URL and then will remove this post.

Posted in Musings. 3 Comments »

Grace comes from being

January 11, 2010 — Laksh

This past Thursday I got home and was faced with the prospect of 2 hours to kill with no K around. Washing and loading the dishwasher my mind went places I wished it did not. I had a couple of voice mails blinking on the phone. One was from our neighbor wondering if she could stop by for a bit after dinner. I said yes and went back to the dark thoughts that circled around in my head.

Winding down after a rather long day, K and I settled into the rather cold couches in our living room overlooking the cul-de-sac watching for guests. Soon enough they rang the bell. What followed was about an hour of good conversation. As they left I switched the lights off and examined the slim bound book we got as a gift.

The next morning digging into some delicious apple cake for breakfast, I read it cover to cover. It was one of those books that I know I will be buying copies of either to lend or gift to others. It came at a time when I am unsure of the path I am on. Not that it helped me figure out what I wanted to do but it sure cheers me on no matter where I am headed. It’s amazing how little things speak volumes. I will treasure this book for what it means. The lessons it will offer me for the years to come. More importantly as a reminder of how to be there for a friend gracefully. Without words, without sympathy, without apology.

Posted in Happiness, People, reflections. Tags: , , , , , , . 2 Comments »

Invisible bonds

January 8, 2010 — Laksh

See Amma! See!!!

My niece dutifully pointed to the stack of cubes that her Chitappa built for her, her excitement and glee transforming her face into a radiant ball of delight. Even as the evening passed by wrapped in her antics, that particular moment remained etched in my mind. Her short chubby finger pointed to her mom, the joy of discovering that cubes can be stacked three feet high, her first impulse was to share it with the person who was most important in her life. Amma.

I played the scene over and over in my head amazed at the connections children forge. Why Amma? Why not Appa? a voice niggled uncomfortably. Growing up I am not sure how much I remember of my Appa playing with me or even being around as much as Amma. Is it any wonder that I still reach out for Amma every time I have something to share or vent?

But in the times we live in, dads are as involved in child rearing as moms are starting with diaper cleaning to feeding to rocking them to sleep. Yet, my little niece turns face aglow first to her mom before her eyes search for dad. Am sure there are exceptions to the rule but I can’t help wondering if there is something behind the bonds of being held in the womb that extend for the rest of our lives.

Posted in Family, Happiness, reflections. Tags: , , . 12 Comments »
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