A new year. A new life.

January 1, 2010 — Laksh

Legs curled under my body, I leaned on K as the year came to an end and the millions on TV shivered in the cold watching an electronic apple descend marking the count down to the next decade. It also wrapped up two unbelievably hectic, dark days in my life.

As the new day dawned, I did not feel the ‘happy’ new year spirit. I set about the day in a daze wondering what the hoopla about the new decade was. But as the sun set, it sunk on me. A resolve to start the new year on a positive note.

So, as I go about the many odd everyday tasks I tell myself that the past does not matter. The future does not too. I cannot control the rest of my world. I can control how I choose to react though. I can tell myself to be open to the wonder of everyday moments. I can choose to be happy, have the right attitude and be resilient.

So, if 2009 ended on less than a stellar note for you like it did for me, I’d like to say just one thing.

Tomorrow is another day. The sun will shine and all will be well in your world.

Posted in Wishes. Tags: , . 10 Comments »

Happy New Year!

December 30, 2009 — Laksh

Happy New Year folks!

Here’s hoping the new year rings in lots of hope, happiness, peace, prosperity and plenty to all of us.See you in 2010!

Posted in Wishes. Tags: . 2 Comments »

Intangible joys

December 29, 2009 — Laksh

Reaching home pretty late after dinner with a girlfriend I was left to whip something up for K who braved the cold and loved me enough to chauffeur me around. Falling back on the standard dhal, chawal subzi routine, I could not wait to lay my hands on my newly acquired Calphalon pan. Pulling it out of its sturdy cardboard box, I let the water fall gently on it, caressing it almost. Wash in warm sudsy water it said and wash it I did. I noticed my fingers go all gentle as it glided along the thin film of water on it. Mildly tapping it to rid the excess water. I sat it on the stove and adjusted the flame to a medium heat.

As the evening progressed, my eyes danced with joy as the seeming mushy vegetables came out almost fried to a crisp. Setting dinner out and watching K enjoy it made me smile. A deep lasting smile of happiness. There was something about the joy of owning a fine piece of cookware. I almost said art. A joy that only my mom can understand besides me. Whether it is a cast iron griddle or a solid saute pan or the quintessential 2 quart vessel. The weight of it as I heft it over the stove, the dull burnished finish, the ease with which the oil spreads and results in an envious roast.

Some things in life are meant to be savored. Like a piece of heirloom gold or the deep rich kancheevaram or a piece of land. It’s worth not measured in paper. A joy that wells over each time you look at it or wear it.

Such is life!

Posted in Feelings, Happiness, Home, Life, Musings. Tags: , , , . 2 Comments »

Looking ahead

December 27, 2009 — Laksh

With Birthday come and gone without a trace, the allure of the new year has me pointedly looking into the future. Each year as this rolls around, I can’t help but go back and try to recollect the highs and lows from the year past.

January saw Obama take oath, Slumdog Millionaire rise up among Oscar hopefuls making a sweep and actor Nagesh pass away. It also introduced me to Sa. I feel guilty for not having written anything after the initial flush of excitement of being asked to write for them.

February saw me stuck on icy roads late at night and forever instilled in me a fear for driving when conditions are slick. My niece turned one, ICH closed its doors and I realized I missed K very much.

March saw my Winter term end, K was back from his big vacation and life went back to a well oiled routine.

April ushered in Tamil New Year and I finally got to meet the wonderful Suman. K and I enjoyed a nice concert by Zakir Hussain and ShivKumar Sharma, Musings saw its 500th post and Spring was finally here.

May began with a prized visit from Akay, Kavya won the Spelling Bee and ended with a project for my MBA where I had to tap my dear readers.

June saw me spend a few days with a new friend from school in the city. I enjoyed the time away from home and discovered a side to me that I loved. It also saw K and I celebrate seven years of being together. We signed up with a local CSA and alternate fridays saw us traipsing through wet fields to harvest our vegetables. June also saw us make a significant decision – a step towards growing our family through adoption.

July saw my cousin from Seattle visit us for a fun-filled week, a home in our subdivision burn down and a significant slowdown in my writing at Musings.

August saw a revival in my faith starting with Varalakshmi Nonbu, my favorite Italian restaurant close its doors and us become paper pregnant. We were finally ready for a baby to come find us. August also marked for me personally a time of great introspection and a re-ordering of my life as I knew it.

September saw us in India for a very hectic two weeks. K turned a whole year older and I completed one year of my MBA.

October saw me trade my locks for a super short look. It also allowed me to explore a whole new world I had hitherto not known existed. I am talking of the adoption blogs and the whole hidden universe out there. It made me reflect on our choices and helped me prepare for a reality that would be vastly different from the one I live in now. October also saw me find closure to some invisible demons that haunted me. Fall was already giving way to winter.

November was a time for reconnecting. Every weekend saw us catching up with friends or reaching out to people we had not heard from in a while. It was also a time for me personally to reinforce my belief in God.

December saw me happier than I have been in the recent few years. Perhaps it was a combination of the fact that one more term of my MBA was getting done or that exciting things were portended for the future. Perhaps it was the anticipation of my birthday. It was a mixture of a whole lot of things. This month saw me smiling more and feeling bubblier than ever. We got a Christmas tree after many, many years of wishing for one. Musings also came full circle and moved back to wordpress.com

In all, it has been a mixed bag – this year but the highs outweigh the lows and for that I am grateful.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Posted in Feelings, Life, Musings, reflections. Tags: , , . 8 Comments »

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

December 23, 2009 — Laksh

Tis that time of the year when smiles linger, email inboxes are chockfull of colorful greetings and the smell of cookies wafts by you every time you pass the office kitchen. It is also that time of the year when I feel this incredible urge to look back on the year past and look forward to the year ahead. While I spend the next few days putting down in words what this year meant to me, I do want to get a head start and wish you all Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and a very, very HAPPY New Year!!!

I know! It IS lame! :) But I figured in the age of copyright infringements why take a risk looking for pictures online. So, my attempt at capturing the festive times on the humble MS Paint. :) Have a lovely year ahead folks!

Posted in Happiness, Wishes. Tags: , . 14 Comments »

Mobile Me?

December 22, 2009 — Laksh

Having downloaded the WordPress app for the iPhone, i had to test it out of course. :)

So, if this works I could be blogging on the move.

Posted in Change, Life, Misc. Tags: , , . 1 Comment »

Winds of change

December 21, 2009 — Laksh

This weekend, we were snowed in. I put the time to good use and moved back to wordpress.com from my hosted site. Why? Many reasons. $$ being one of them. Way too much on my mind to deal with upgrades and keeping up on everything a self hosted site needs. Ability to post from my iPhone if it were a wordpress.com blog etc.

I am however retaining my domain name. Whether you use lakshmusings.com or lakshmusings.wordpress.com you should get the same blog. This is still in flux and I found out that name server changes take upto a week to propagate. So, hopefully the new year will start out with all the kinks ironed out.

If you notice anything amiss, email me at lakshmusings[at]gmail[dot]com. I noticed I was getting comment subscription emails from August which I have not figured out yet.

So, if you don’t hear from me over the next few days, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

Stay tuned for more changes. :)

Posted in Change. Tags: , , . 9 Comments »

Something about that place

December 18, 2009 — Laksh

Walking back from one of my restroom jaunts I was all smiles. Wait! Before your mind goes places, it has nothing to do with anything gross. :)

I ran into a colleague turned good friend (Shout out to SP here!) and we ended up chatting a good 15 minutes catching up on the minutiae of my life. As I gushed unreservedly on my feelings and everything else at work, home and life in general, I was struck by how easily the words flowed, how little I held back.

Walking back I could not help wondering if being in the restroom insulated us from the outside world and made it a place where women could be just women. Talk without hesitation, share without borders. I can’t imagine telling her the things I did standing in an aisle having people walk past us.

There is something about that place. :)

Posted in Musings, People, reflections. Tags: , . 8 Comments »

Whimsical thoughts

December 17, 2009 — Laksh

With every passing day, a little ticker on my phone marks a countdown. Till a couple of weeks it was to the end of term. Now it is to my birthday. Then it will be the new year. Or Pongal. The list goes one. I love these little time markers. It gives me purpose, like I am striding towards something tangible. A destination. Often in the absence of anything significant am counting down to, I default to the weekend.

Then I wonder what happens if there is nothing to count down to. Or look forward to? What if time becomes as abstract a concept as God? Perhaps that is what scares me most about aging. The endlessness of time. Perhaps that is another reason why I cannot seem to live in the moment. I am forever focused on what is ahead. Growing up it was a vague ‘future’ I was looking to. When ‘future’ became present, I marked with with ritual markers like marriage and home and baby. Now that is suspiciously looking like ‘past’, I can’t help wonder what the next marker will be?

Posted in Musings, Time. Tags: , . 2 Comments »

Through the eyes of a child

December 12, 2009 — Laksh

Letting the brightly colored top spin away on top of our rather battered coffee table, it was a treat to watch my young niece. She watched it with fascination from afar. Sensing the top move towards her she instinctively moved away clinging to her mom, eyes always on it. Doing it over and over again I teased her by holding it up for inspection. Once in her hand she turned it over the intimidation lessening. By the end of the hour she was right next to me and K prodding it with a stick as it spun away merrily. It was an interesting experiment watching her fear transition to glee. One that reminded me of the little joys in life.

In other news my fifth term is done and I have three glorious weeks of no books, endless browsing and loafing around. Today K and I put up our first ever Christmas tree. Cutting open the box to see a tightly packed green mass, I went through the process meticulously reading the manual, setting up the base, spacing out the leaves and viewing the effect from afar to only come back and change it some more. It took K and I a good couple of hours and the end result was a deeply contented sigh. Plugging in the cord, the tree lit up more than just the room. It was my dream come true.


Walking in the door after a spot of shopping, I made a beeline for the living room. Sitting on the couch with my legs tucked in, I took in the sight I had savored in many, many books. Lights twinkling in the darkness, a delicious chill in the air and lightness in my mind. All that was missing were the gift boxes below the tree.

It’s funny how dreams have a way of coming true. When you least expect it.

Posted in Family, Happiness, Home, Life, Musings. Tags: , , , . 10 Comments »

Ever happen to you?

December 8, 2009 — Laksh

You start your day fixated on a specific time. Watch the clock and the phone or email if waiting for an update. Something as important to you say as your sister meeting a potential suitor or your mom returning from a doctor appointment? As the time nears you feel an excitement that only your poor spine can tell. You think to yourself they must have met. Ten minutes go past and you wonder if they met. You calculate mentally a time you think they would have done talking. The next couple of hours go by in anxiety. Then confident in your calculation that she must be home, you stare at the phone waiting for it to ring. You check your email just in case. Another fifteen minutes later you are texting. “You home yet”?

No response. You call. Leave a voice message. Your mind goes a million directions wondering about alternate scenarios. Perhaps they were late. Perhaps they still are talking. Perhaps he did not show up. You get physically tired from all the waiting and conjecturing. Then practically at a point when you think you could care no longer, you get a text saying “We were supposed to meet Monday.”. “Monday?? But today IS Monday.” you reply. Nothing. No replies.

What do you make of it?

well! This example might be far fetched but you get the gist right. I went to bed yesterday so exhausted from all the anticipation and the waiting. And I realized, the whole stupid thing was in my mind. Things that matter so much to me is a blip in the other person’s radar. How I wish I could learn to be detached! Sigh!!

Posted in Feelings, Life, Musings, People. Tags: , , , . 5 Comments »

Slowing down

December 6, 2009 — Laksh

I know I have been lax with posting on here. It shows in the dwindling stats on my site stats and the fewer posts each month on my sitemap. More importantly I hear no end of it from Amma. I guess it is one of those phases in life when other things take priority. While I have nothing startling to say with this post other than that the past few weeks have been eventful.

I am nearing the end of the fifth term of my MBA. The final exam is Tuesday and I have been half-heartedly preparing for it. In other news, work has been busy enough to keep me sane and occupied outside class hours.

I love the Christmas season and this year K and I went out and bought our very own tiny tree. Four and a half feet  tall with prelit lights. we are yet to put it up. That will be this week after my exam is done. For years growing up on a diet of British authors and being a Xmas baby had me craving for my own tradition. I have imagined a twinkling tree with pretty gift wrapped boxes by its feet and a gentle snow falling outside. Looks like this will be a year of dreams being realized.

The snow part came true this weekend with us seeing our first snow fall for the season. All day Saturday the flakes fell slow, gentle and soft. I realized how much I have grown to feel part of this place as I cheered the advent of snow even though I hate the cold temperatures.

With exams getting over this week, I hope to be able to share more of my every day musings.

Have a lovely week ahead!

Posted in Misc. Tags: . 6 Comments »

The Avant Garde Bloggies 2009

December 4, 2009 — Laksh

Waking up early knowing it is Friday, I smiled and reached out for my trusty iPhone. Saw the email from Poonam asking to spread the word about the annual Bloggies she hosts. Few hours later, I read her post and nominated a few of my posts feeling awkward as I did. Then it occurred to me that I should really be linking back here to her post and asking you for feedback.

So, here is the thing. Poonam is looking for nominations under a bunch of categories. If you are looking for ways to find out new bloggers and stumble into interesting posts, stop by and take a peek. If inclined, link up to your favorite posts this year either your own or from your favorite bloggers.

Personally, I did pick a few of mine that are my favorites but I’d be curious to see what you think are my best posts this year. If you have the time, please leave a comment. I’d love to know.

Happy Friday!

Posted in Avant Garde Bloggies 2009, Bloggies. Tags: , . 3 Comments »

That place called Happy

December 2, 2009 — Laksh

Every once in a while I get to go to this place called Happy in my mind. It is an area unclouded by fears and disappointments. Only hope reigns and having expectations are OK. I know at the back of mind that this is a tenuous state of being and I drink it in for if I don’t sometimes it might never happen again.

Sounding a little too abstract? Well! it is.

If you are Happy and you know it. Leave a note. :)

Posted in Happiness, Life, Personal. Tags: , , . 11 Comments »

Remembering Appa

November 27, 2009 — Laksh

Late yesterday evening as the closing credits rolled on screen after the movie ended, I was a sobbing blubbery mess. The lines were fuzzy between the body on the funeral pyre on TV and the one of Appa in my mind. That one image was enough to send me back three years in time to this day. As I convulsed into grief of losing my father all over again, it hit me that no matter how much time passes and how well I acknowledge his passing away, there will be moments when I will be a little girl feeling lost without her daddy.

I washed my face and soon was my regular self but my mind kept playing back the events of that evening from 2006. All of us crowding around appa’s bed, holding his hand as the monitor showed his life ebbing away. In those final moments the three of us formed a stoic picture as we lost the one person who meant the world to us. Over the next couple of weeks, the many rituals we threw ourselves in helped insulate us from processing the feelings of grief and loss. As the years passed, we eased from the smarting hurt to a dull pain renewing itself every anniversary.

So today as I walked down the stairs after waking, I walked straight up to Appa and took a few moments to honor his memory. To pay my homage to my father, mentor and hero. And then I called Amma knowing her day would have been many times painful than mine. It is in moments like these that I realize the worth of intangible things over the material. The silent bonds of pain that tie us together. In taking this day to remember all that we lost, I tell myself to cherish all that I hold dear. To remind amma how much I love her. To reach out and touch K’s hand as we walk to our respective offices. To stop by my bro’s cube to see if he is in. To tell myself to call my sis on my way home.

To mark my life by the lives I have touched rather than counting the years I have lived.

Posted in Anniversary, Appa, Life, Memories, Personal. Tags: , , , . 13 Comments »
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