What is your thing?
01 Sep 2010 3 Comments
in Life, Musings, Television Tags: Kids, Life, Musings, TV
Mixing a bowl of Cheerios bright and early this morning before the girls got ready for daycare, I sat them in their high chairs and turned the TV on. Little Bill was playing and as I fed the kids, I was drawn into the simple tale of a boy trying to find this ‘thing’. He dad has a thing for Jazz music, his mom a thing for Photography, his siblings are into chess. The episode concludes with him discovering he has a ‘thing’ for telling stories.
Simple and sappy as it sounds, I loved it as I do most of the kiddie programs that air at the not so prime time in baby-land. It also set me thinking. What if you never really found your thing? What if you do find your thing but can’t pursue it for reasons like stereotyping or peer pressure? Growing up, my thing was books. I found it an enchanting place where I could disappear for hours and forget about the world outside. I lived vicariously through the characters. I imbibed their attitudes, their spirit of adventure as they went through the tale. Often times my real and imaginary worlds merged and clashed. I found a love for words. I would finger new words, feel them roll on my tongue, test them in sample sentences and relish the pleasure that came from using them in appropriate situations.
As I snapped back into the present from my rambling thoughts, I wondered why programs such as these were relegated to offbeat time slots. Why programs like Dora and Diego were so popular when they were so mind-numbingly dumb? Is there really such a thing as ‘good’ TV watching? Guess there are no right answers to these questions and each person has their take on it.
Just rambling. Happy Wednesday folks!
The birth of a father
30 Aug 2010 7 Comments
in Family, Life, Musings, reflections Tags: Family, Musings, reflections
Enjoying a rare hour of solitude this Sunday evening, I pushed back on the recliner and logged in to work mentally rueing the fact that the ability to get to work on a Sunday now feels like relaxation. Before I knew it, the hour was up and I hear the garage rattle its way open heralding the return of the kutties and K from their evening ‘park’ time. Reluctantly powering off the computer and coaxing my weary legs back to the kitchen to get dinner prepped and ready, I turned to find a beaming K and a rather smiley Kay. Leaving her on the couch with me he left to bring Cee back.
Carrying Kay on my hip, I mashed the rice, deep in thought pondering the upheaval in my life since January. “You will not believe what happened at the park today!” exclaimed K before disappearing to freshen up. I sat the girls in their high chairs and spoon fed the rice, making silly faces and feeling thrilled with my success at getting them to eat. Face freshly washed, a silly smile still plastered on his face, he went on to recount how the kutties had graduated to the unsupported swings and then in a voice bubbling with excitement and eyes wide with pride, he said Cee learnt to slide backward on the big slide. All by herself! and that’s not all Kay slid down sitting up and was mighty thrilled with herself.
As I listened to him, my focus more on his excitement and pride than the details, it occurred to me how much we had both evolved. The kutties entered into our lives and we did become parents instantaneously, but it has taken months for me to be born as a mom and K as a dad. The thrill in small achievements. The heart stopping moment as Kay tumbled down the stairs. The rush to scoop and hug them as we entered the daycare in the evening.
The visceral feeling of parenthood has taken time. Just when I think we have experienced most of what it takes to become a parent, I realize this is just the beginning. The beginning of a life that flows with the kids’ successes and ebbs when they falter.
The place of understanding
27 Aug 2010 9 Comments
in Death, Feelings, Musings, reflections Tags: Death, Feelings, Musings, reflections
Phone cradled between my ear and neck, I stirred a creamy concoction of butter, milk and cheese all the while listening to a broken soul on the other end. My chitappa, voice breaking, was trying to make sense of the loss in his life. As I held on even if just in silence I realized I really knew what he was talking about. Since the loss of Appa, death and loss has taken a new meaning in my mind. As I struggled to express my empathy and solidarity with Chitappa I knew a time would come years from now when we will be able to hold on to just the memories without the sadness.
It has taken the loss of Appa for me to realize the importance of vocalizing my support to someone who is grieving. In those awkward years between being a young adult and a grown woman, I often waffled at the thought of expressing condolences. Torn between wanting to be in denial and scared about causing fresh grief, I was often mute. Offering silent stoic support in my mind. Only now do I realize silence often feels like indifference. Like rejection.
Now, speaking from that place of understanding I realize there is a lot more to rituals and tradition surrounding death than is apparent. It offers a way to celebrate the deceased person’s life and a way for the survivors to process their grief.
So, if like me you are on the fence about how to be supportive when someone you know is grieving the loss of a loved one, go ahead, offer solace. Give them a hug or write a letter. Leave a note, talk to them, celebrate a life well lived.
Lessons learnt… so far.
26 Aug 2010 3 Comments
in Baby, Daughters, Daycare, Lessons Tags: Life, Babies, Lessons, Misc, Daycare
A little over a week since the girls started daycare. Reviewing the past ten days, this is what I have learned. Jotting it down here as a record for posterity.
1. Kutties have figured out that this is for the long haul and their faces change as soon as they see the school building.
2. Clingy, crying babies DO calm down in a little bit.
3. Packing a lot of food does not mean they will eat a reasonable amount.
4. Resist the temptation to run errands on the way from school to home. HUNGRY kids mean business.
5. There is a reason kids need a bath before bed. They wallow in muck all day long.
6. If kids do not eat while in the school, cheat the system by feeding lunch for breakfast. This way, at least you will assuage yourself of some guilt.
7. It really is OK to feed them mac and cheese three days in row if that is the only thing they will eat.
8. Be ready to run a load of laundry at any time of day or night. It is the new normal.
9. Checklists rock! To remind you of anything from restocking diapers to replacing change of clothes for the kids.
10. Mysterious rashes come and go. Its OK not to flip out about it.
The woman who was a child
24 Aug 2010 23 Comments
in Death, Family, Feelings, Memories Tags: Death, Family, Feelings, Memories
I remember her first as a bride, milk white next to my rather dark chitappa. I was in fourth grade then. The competition was fierce to vie for her affections amidst a brood of siblings and cousins. Snatches of images crowd my brain. Her in a six yards saree when my mom and other chithi were in nine yards. Giggling and playing the truant daughter in law. Her love for samosas with spicy raw onion chutney, the kind you only get in a certain Tirunalveli Halwa stall in the dusty suburbs of Madras. Her fine straight hair loaded with strings of pearly white jasmine. Yes. She loved flowers. She did.
I remember her love for Lux soap and Gokul Santol powder. Her eyes round and kohl lined, sparking at the mention of sarees or jewelry. I remember landing at their doorstep in a trip not in the distant past, walking into a kitchen bustling with action. Shelves lined with pictures of us, the kids of the family. I remember her love for life.
I remember standing in a hospital corridor two years back leaning against a parapet wall, looking across to the building that housed the ICU where her husband, my chitappa lay battling for life. We shared a deep conversation at that time talking about life, marriage, infertility, childlessness. All things profound and totally unlike her. I watched as a tear escaped her stoic countenance.
The memories come rushing, tears escape my eyes, finally giving into the shock of knowing she passed away this evening. Just like that. A young life escaping into the cosmos leaving behind grieving hearts and shocked shells.
Rest in peace Chithi. You will always be remembered with fondness and love.
Quantifying parenthood!
22 Aug 2010 5 Comments
in Musings, Parenthood Tags: Musings, Parenthood
Pre Kay and Cee, weekends looked like this:
8:30 – 9:00 – Wake up possibly
9:30 – 1:00 – Cook and eat if in the mood else go out
1:00 – 6:30 – Kill time (TV/Books/MBA)
6:30 – 10:00 – Browse, eat, call up friends
10:00 – 11:00 – Try to sleep
Post Kay and Cee, weekends look like this:
6:00 – 6:15 – Wake up to frantic cries
6:15 – 7:15 – Change diapers and brush teeth
7:15 – 8:15 – Force feed milk with growing frustration
8:30 – Sit down with coffee
8:45 – 9:30 – Struggle getting breakfast down tiny throats
10:00 – 12:00 – Bliss! Kids nap. Make food for us and kids. Who has time to go out to eat?
12:00 – 12:45 – Feed kids. Soles of feet start aching at this point
12:45 – 1:00 – Eat lunch
1:00 – 2:00 _ play with kids
2:00 – 2:15 – Yogurt time!
2:15 – 4:00 – Bliss! Can actually put my feet up and work on MBA stuff. 
4:15 – 4:45 – Milk, Drama, Frustration
5:00 – 6:00 – Prep for dinner
6:00 – 7:30 – Make dinner, feed kids and long to sit for a few minutes
7:45 – 8:00 – Eat!
8:00 – 8:45 – Tire out kids so they *WILL* sleep
8:45 – 9:00 – Put kids to bed
9:00 – 10:00 – Clean up kitchen and get ready for next day
10:30 – E x h a u s t e d. Go to bed hoping against hope babies will not wake mid night
Just saying! Happy Monday folks!
Wish I had known you… then!
19 Aug 2010 6 Comments
in Life, Musings, People Tags: Life, Musings, People
Indulging in a FB fix (Yes! I caved!) one evening, I was going through statuses and even more importantly comments to statuses nodding my head in disbelief and sending me years back in thoughts. Sometimes you go to school or are part of a group of people you know superficially. You slot people based on your stereotypes filing them mentally into classes. Geek, Nerd, Popular, Goody Two Shoes so on and so forth.
Then on a slow weekday evening like this you run into them commenting and expressing themselves so contrary to your image of them that it shocks you into action. You wonder where this person was hiding while you actually thought you knew them. You scratch your head and wonder how much more you missed out in life because you chose to have blinders on.
A friend once wrote to me “I sure am glad I am getting a second chance to get to know you.” and today I realize what she meant. I feel cheated out of so many years of the *not* knowing. Bah!
Notes to myself
17 Aug 2010 8 Comments
in School, Twins Tags: School, Twins, Daycare, First day
This is more of a diary like entry for me so Kay and Cee can someday read back and know how their first day at school/daycare was.
The day leading to and day of joining was almost like Deepavali. I had their new clothes laid out and ready to wear the following day right down to little socks and shoes. I had their lunch boxes, bags, straw cups, sippy cups labeled and ready to be filled. I had juice boxes, snacks, yogurt all individually wrapped. I snapped pictures of everything.
The day dawned bright and early in our home. The lights were on, the cooker hissing and the kitchen island in a state of chaos. At about 9:00 AM, the girls were dressed in new clothes, lunch bags ready, a huge backpack filled with spare clothes, sunscreen, hats, caps, socks, non prescription medication all set. A three page letter to the teacher stuck in one of the side pockets.
Praying to God, falling at Amma’s feet, blowing a thousand air kisses, we finally set off. Excitement and anxiety was writ large on my face. Kay and Cee were blissfully unaware of the impending changes. All they cared about was that they were going ta ta with Amma and Appa.
We reached the school and walked in hearts thudding. The principal sat at her desk and said Hi and asked us to go right into class. We walked down and entered the class where 6 other pint-sized kids sat around a table. There were two teachers in class and we introduced ourselves. Setting the bags down, we stood awhile waiting for the girls to get used to the new surroundings. I then got down on my knees and lowered Kay. She clung on but was curious to see so many kids like her. Tempted by a small chair and goldfish crackers she stepped away. A little bit later Cee joined her. In less than five minutes they joined the rest for circle time and we said bye and slipped away.
We left after letting the teacher know what was in each bag. Reaching the car, I felt relief wash over me. I smiled till I reached work and spent the rest of the day staring at my phone either itching to call to find out how the girls were doing or scared that I might get a call. Come 4:15 K and I set out again this time smiles stretching from ear to ear. As we walked into their class, Kay spied us and came a running. Cee was playing by herself with a book. Carrying them I felt so much love that I could have exploded. Proud of them for being such big girls we left with notes on what they did the entire day.
After all the anticipation, first day at school couldn’t have been better.
Letters to my daughters: First day of school
16 Aug 2010 5 Comments
in Feelings, Letters to my daughters, Life, Personal Tags: Daycare, Feelings, Letters to my daughters, Personal, School
Dearest Kay and Cee,
It’s just past noon today. A good two and half hours since Appa and I dropped you off at your school/daycare. I sit picking at my lunch and wondering if they changed your diaper. If you have been fed. If you are happy. If you are looking for paati or us. A whole bunch of questions that are rhetorical. I would have heard from the school by now if you did not want to be there.
Taking a step back the run up to today has been momentous in my mind. A milestone of sorts. As I sorted and packed and labeled your belongings late yesternight, I realized I was working away my nervousness. Yes. I was and am very anxious for you two. I can’t put my finger on what it is. I want you to be happy, to have fun playing with your new classmates. To feel comfortable with your teacher. Yet, I am also a bit sad that you were content and happy to transition with nary a tear.
I am not sure if today is a predictor of the years ahead. All I know and want for you to know is that I wish for you both a lifetime of fun and learning. A spirit of adventure as you venture into anything new. I want you to be fearless about trying new things. I want you to keep on going even if you stumble and fall. Pick yourself up, look back and know that Amma/Appa are watching and behind you every step of the way. Sometimes even as you round the bend and you can no longer see us, know that we are there. We will always be there.
Lots of love,
Amma.
Falling in love
14 Aug 2010 3 Comments
in Love, Motherhood Tags: Love, Motherhood
Staring at the Facebook page, deep in thought, looking for material for a paper due in a couple of weeks, I saw the reds flash on the baby monitor followed by wails from Cee. Closing the monitor in a hurry, I jumped off the couch and bounded up the stairs to pick her before her sister woke. Lifting her by feel rather than sight, I felt her weight on my shoulder, cheeks nuzzling my neck. Rocking gently I made my way to our bedroom. Startled by the lights in the room below, she whimpered and looked around.
Mentally preparing for a long night, I sat on the bed, rocking her back and forth and gently stretching back till we were both prone. As I slid her to my side, she adjusted herself to the contours of my frame and for a few precious minutes, I lay with my hands playing with her soft hair. I felt her chest rise and fall in even breathing even as her cheek nuzzled against my neck. Eyes adjusting to the dim lighting, I gazed at her for what seemed eternity.
Watching K gently peel her away from the bed and onto her crib, I walked thoughtfully downstairs. Motherhood today for me means falling in love again and again and again…
Do tell
13 Aug 2010 16 Comments
in Baby, Daycare, Poll Tags: Baby, Daycare, Poll
When it came time to drop your little one in a daycare (home or school) how did you do it?
- Did it cold turkey. Dropped baby off and did not turn back
- Dropped baby at school. Spent a few minutes playing and snuck out when I would not be missed.
- Walked in, put baby down and sat squat for half a day and spent rest of the day peering in through the window
- Eased the transition. One hour first day, 2 hours the next and started full day the next week.
- No daycare for my precious
Well! Kay and Cee start daycare Monday. Obviously I am in a funk and way too anxious about it.
So, do tell parenting veterans, how did YOU do it?
Bloggy speed dial
09 Aug 2010 6 Comments
Each day, sometimes in the morning, sometimes at lunch, some other days as I retire for the night, I run through a list of blogs that are on my ‘speed dial’ of sorts in my head. I call it my daily fix. Much like coffee or email. I *need* to read these blogs. Some clue me into their lives. Some provide a smile. Some others pull at my gut for one reason or the other. Some I enjoy for the sheer poetry in their words. Some for the emotions that spill. Each of these blogs are special to me in some way. The list grows and shrinks over time. Some of these I know in real life so they appeal to me. Some I recently stumbled upon and have been hooked since. Some others I have been a long time lurker enjoying the posts from the sidelines.
In no particular order are the ones I read today and felt like sharing.
Katie at Mamapundit
UL at Diaries
Shankari at Narad Tales
Mad Momma at The Mad Momma
Boo at Boo’s Baby Talk
IHM at The Life and Times of an Indian Home Maker
Starry at Things do not change… until we change!
Rachel at Barren Woman
So, do tell, what are YOU reading today?
Overrun by pink
08 Aug 2010 7 Comments
in Pink, Twins Tags: Fun, Girls, Pink, Random
What can I say?
Happy week ahead folks!
Of wire baskets and steel boxes
05 Aug 2010 5 Comments
in Memories, Musings, nostalgia Tags: Memories, Musings, nostalgia
Drawing up a list of stuff to get before Kay and Cee start ‘school’ over the next couple of weeks, I stopped when I got to the lunch supplies. Bag? Check. Box? Boxes?? I went off on a tangent looking at Target and Wal-Mart online to see what was available. Browsing through pages of Dora and Elmo and Disney boxes, I gave up at some point and travelled back in time to multi colored wire baskets and double-decker steel carriers.
For the longest time Amma would walk in the hot noon sun carrying lunch for us kids to school. Waiting for Amma we would crowd under the shade of the tree and open up our boxes to see piping hot rasam rice and potato curry or creamy white thayir sadham with potato. Scrambling to finish before the bell rang or before some bird decided to grace our food with their poop, we would clutch the 1 Rupee worth Mr Pops lollipop before scurrying back to class. Grow up we did and the double-decker steel carrier gave way to a single square box. My lunch bag changed from wire basket to plastic basket. It would have a small squarish towel, a spoon, water bottle and the lunch box. I remember being very aware of what I brought to lunch. I did not want anything that leaked, smelled too much or left coloring on my lips. I also remember some strange combinations my bench-mate bought. Some days it would be a boiled egg buried three-fourths into a box of white rice. Other days it would be a brick-red piece of fish on curd rice. I was fascinated with my first exposure to non veg food.
Come high school and I dispensed with the lunch bag altogether preferring to stuff my box into my school bag. Lunch also now meant it had to be something dry. Chappathis with vegetables or variety rice. This was the phase at school when nobody ate their own lunches. I would trade my lunch in with a friend for aloo parathas or pickle rice. The glorious days of sharing sans hygiene concerns. Sharing food and water as a mark of friendship. Bonds that grew from packing an additional box to share.
Waking up from my reverie, I realized what a generation gap meant. I doubt my daughters will get to carry double-decker steel boxes or rice to school. I will break my head over mac and cheese or sandwiches just as my mom did over idlis and rice. As the girls grow perhaps they will ask to eat at the school instead of taking lunch with them. Who knows what is in store?
Happy Friday folks!
A thread that binds
03 Aug 2010 10 Comments
Blog hopping I landed on a post that had Steve Jobs commencement speech at Stanford. To say I loved it was an understatement. A year back, I would have read the paragraph that talks about his adoption, thought ‘neat!’ to myself and would have gone on to focus on the rest of what he said. Now when I read it, I scour the words, trying to catch undertones, hidden meanings or other symbolism in how adoption affected his life. In some strange way, it suddenly feels personal. His story.
It’s just past the six month mark since we became a family, my daughters and I. It has been a lot of learning. I realize parents are born when children come into their lives. Trying to figure out the practical aspects of having another life dependent on you for basic needs is overwhelming at times and the zenith of happiness at others. I look at our fledgling family and see that none of us are related by blood well except for the twins and it makes me smile.
When I stumble onto other people who have chosen adoption as a means to build their family, I feel a connection. Something deeper than friendship. A shared understanding of what it means to choose to bring a child into their lives in that manner. An understanding born out of filling reams of paperwork and having our personal lives laid bare to strangers for them to inspect and certify.
I realize this is something I will hold on to for life. An invisible thread that binds me and other people touched by adoption. All three sides of it. I can never again read an adoption story and feel just one emotion. There will always be a part of me wondering how this same tale will be narrated by another member of the triad.
So, if like me you land on here and walk away knowing what it feels like, know that you are not alone. We are bound by this thread.
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